Marriage

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for… I don’t know. It’s a complicated question because we broke up for roughly six months, but the start/end dates of the break are hazy. I was also not here for two months over the summer, so do those two months really count? I mean, we did break up every other day during the summer… (Not literally. But long distance is a pain in the ass and we’re both drama queens, so… good times.) If you play it conservatively, we’ve been together for a year and a few months. But we’ve known each other for almost two years (in one month is the anniversary of our first date, as it were) and we’ve definitely been in contact that entire time. He is indeed my best, closest, favorite friend.

The other day we were hanging out with someone that my boyfriend has known for like ten years. (Which is a common occurrence. There are many people in this tiny city that he’s known forever.) They hung out with the same crowd for awhile, and in reminiscing about their old friends, my boyfriend inevitably starts to repeat, “Everyone’s married now! I can’t believe he got married before me!” And I inevitably start to look anywhere but at him so we don’t make eye contact. Nonetheless, his friend will inevitably say, “Aywa, but you’ll be married soon enough.” And I will smile awkwardly and try to pretend they’re not talking about me. (They are definitely talking about me, in case that was not clear.)

My boyfriend likes to drunkenly tell me things that he should not. For example, he drunkenly said “I love you” at least three times before he said it soberly. Which gave me time to accept the phrase and not freak out when he eventually said it soberly, so that was good. But telling me that he has a ring and when he wants to propose is not a thing I like to hear drunkenly spilled. Mostly because it causes me to freak out. (Although perhaps he is wisely allowing me time to wrap my head around it so that I’m not surprised and will accept, haha.)

Marriage between us is not a simple thing. I don’t want to get married here because I don’t want to get married under sharia. (Under sharia, if we divorce, he automatically gets the kids full custody, legally. Which he wouldn’t necessarily want and we’re probably the “stay together for the kids” type, but I just don’t like the idea of it. Although I do also automatically get half of everything and I can set an allowance, which would be nice.  Well, if we ever had any money…) But to get married in the United States requires so much paperwork, you have no idea. There is also a possibility that he’d get rejected for a visa if we don’t get married here first. Mostly because I don’t have enough money to properly sponsor him. And then there’s money! Weddings are not cheap. And while both our families could throw us the two weddings that will be necessary (ugh,) we’re both too proud to let them pay fully. (Maybe. We could possibly bend on this if the money is given in a giving enough way, haha.) It’s just all so complicated!

And then I realize that I’ve written an entire entry about marriage, as if it’s totally normal and expected that of course I will marry him, it’s just a matter of when and how. And I think fondly of the days back when I was petrified of commitment and refused to let any man have more than three weeks of my life…. oh, my days of youth…

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3 Responses to Marriage

  1. callistonian says:

    I can picture the tons and tons of confusing paperwork, you’ll be required to fill out if you decide to marry, but if that’s your decision, I’m sure it’ll be more than worth the hassle. 🙂 And two weddings = twice the fun!

    Cross-cultural/national relationships always bring unexpected difficulties, but they also have wonderful benefits, so just good luck with everything.

  2. Christa Lei says:

    Ain’t that how it goes? Haha, I’m still in the days of my commitophobic youth. Or perhaps it’s because the men I date are commitophobes. We’ll see what happens though– it might be time to have a conversation about it and to throw it out there just in case he really IS thinking about it. Couldn’t hurt, right? (or maybe it could. The topic of marriage has never come up in any of my own personal relationships so…)

  3. After reading your post, I think that eloping sounds pretty good… (especially since I’ll probably have to have a wedding in Taiwan and a wedding in America if I get married, but that’s a longer thought for later). If one of you were Chinese, you could do a Chinese wedding and then get enough hong bao with money in it as wedding gifts to cover for the wedding, but alas, you’re not.

    I hope that you will be prepared if he does propose, though! Him being your best friend, I think, is a very good sign.

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