In a previous entry, I mentioned a crush I had on a boy who filled out a map of Africa for me, which made me nostalgic for all the crushes that I once held in my childish heart. Before I knew anything of real love or had even had a relationship, I used to fantasize about boys with an absurd obsession, all the while running away from them in real life. Now that I am older and wiser, it is fun to look back on those boys I wanted so desperately to hold hands with and how absurdly stupid I was about attempting to get there…
The last big crush that I had was in college. I met him in a bar and we talked about books and I was hooked, in the worst possible way. I thought he was the smartest, wittiest boy ever. And I melted when I saw his smile. So, logically, I Facebook-stalked the shit out of him, but avoided him in real life. One time our eyes met over a banister at a party and I’m pretty sure I peed myself a little. Another time my friend dragged me into a bar specifically to talk to him; I made a joke and then ran away. I started smoking because I felt like that would increase the odds of us interacting. Eventually we boned, as it were, after 3.5 years of me yearning for him. It was very much a one-night event though, and ruined the tenuous friendship that we’d started. I wish I could tell you where he’s at right now, but alas, he unfriended me and I cannot stalk like I used to.
In middle/high school, my longest running crush was on the boy I mentioned last entry. He was a total genius. Not only could he fill out a map of Africa without looking it up, but he was the only one who could match my scores on math tests. He had no idea, but we were secretly in competition since 7th grade math. Which is also the class where he annoyed the teacher so much that she made him sit on the floor. So he made her a cd with a song that happened to feature her name. He was amazing. Still is, probably. He went to the only other college that I got into, which I contemplated attending. Perhaps if I had, we would have somehow, maybe, one day managed to hold hands.
I also had some totally inappropriate crushes. Like this kid who was at least six inches shorter than I was. And a genius piano player, who also happened to deal drugs and receive sexual favors as payment on occasion. And a boy with feathered hair who denounced math because he was going to be a writer, and who needs math? (I was fully aware how naive he sounded and I think part of my crush was on his naivete.)
It really is quite amazing how silly I was back in my youth.