The worst part about the post-break up world is that you have to attempt to define yourself. For example, I have to become social again, in an effort to fill the hours that were previously, conveniently filled by my boyfriend. And even so, I still have plenty of free time by myself to fill with activities. Thus, I have to prioritize which activities and hobbies I want to spend my time on.
But alas, I don’t necessarily know what I like anymore. Do I really like reading or is it just a pretentious hobby? (Both?) Do I value quality or quantity in my social life? (Quantity breeds quality?) If I got over my laziness, how much would I enjoy the attention gained from being fit and fashionable and coiffed? (A lot?) Am I staying in Abu Dhabi to save money or to gain brag-worthy travels? (Are both possible?) Would I rather be a writer or learn more foreign language skills? (Foreign language?)
My answers are guesses. Because in all honesty, I have zero faith in defining oneself.
I was talking to someone the other day and at one point, she commented about how she used to think I was “quiet.” The subtext being that she had realized during our interaction that I am actually pure wit and awesome. I wanted to ask her if she really just meant that we had never interacted before. (Although we do see each other on occasion, with mutual friends.) But then again, if I don’t interact with all the people that I see around, doesn’t that make me quiet? Do I want to get rid of this quiet impression that I leave?
Or is it protective? There are certainly times when I overhear conversations that are so absolutely banal and mundane that I literally want to cover my ears. (Ok, truth: this morning I literally did cover my ears.) Is it really a bad thing that I can’t bring myself to participate in small talk with people with whom I will never become close friends?
I suppose I really don’t care what people’s perception of me is. But I do still need to figure out how to fill my hours, which includes my social life hours. And how I am perceived will affect what my life becomes. If I let on that I am excellent at partying, people will want to party with me. But if I make an effort to do more alcohol-free activities, then people will invite me to such events. If I’m picky about friends, the limits might be too restrictive. If I make an effort with certain people over others, it will greatly affect the tides of my social life. So which way do I want the waves to fall?
Please somebody define me and tell me what I want. Because I sure as hell can’t decide.