So who am I?

The worst part about the post-break up world is that you have to attempt to define yourself. For example, I have to become social again, in an effort to fill the hours that were previously, conveniently filled by my boyfriend. And even so, I still have plenty of free time by myself to fill with activities. Thus, I have to prioritize which activities and hobbies I want to spend my time on.

But alas, I don’t necessarily know what I like anymore. Do I really like reading or is it just a pretentious hobby? (Both?) Do I value quality or quantity in my social life? (Quantity breeds quality?) If I got over my laziness, how much would I enjoy the attention gained from being fit and fashionable and coiffed? (A lot?) Am I staying in Abu Dhabi to save money or to gain brag-worthy travels? (Are both possible?) Would I rather be a writer or learn more foreign language skills? (Foreign language?)

My answers are guesses. Because in all honesty, I have zero faith in defining oneself.

I was talking to someone the other day and at one point, she commented about how she used to think I was “quiet.” The subtext being that she had realized during our interaction that I am actually pure wit and awesome. I wanted to ask her if she really just meant that we had never interacted before. (Although we do see each other on occasion, with mutual friends.) But then again, if I don’t interact with all the people that I see around, doesn’t that make me quiet? Do I want to get rid of this quiet impression that I leave?

Or is it protective? There are certainly times when I overhear conversations that are so absolutely banal and mundane that I literally want to cover my ears. (Ok, truth: this morning I literally did cover my ears.) Is it really a bad thing that I can’t bring myself to participate in small talk with people with whom I will never become close friends?

I suppose I really don’t care what people’s perception of me is. But I do still need to figure out how to fill my hours, which includes my social life hours. And how I am perceived will affect what my life becomes. If I let on that I am excellent at partying, people will want to party with me. But if I make an effort to do more alcohol-free activities, then people will invite me to such events. If I’m picky about friends, the limits might be too restrictive. If I make an effort with certain people over others, it will greatly affect the tides of my social life. So which way do I want the waves to fall?

Please somebody define me and tell me what I want. Because I sure as hell can’t decide.

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3 Responses to So who am I?

  1. callistonian says:

    Woah~ I think you’re overthinking things. Why not focus on doing what feels right, what’s fun instead of trying to define yourself–just have a good time first and worry about what it all means later. šŸ™‚

    • mmarinaa says:

      Me? Overthink? Never! (Read: always.)

      The problem is that nothing really feels “right.” Even the good times are not the same as the high of attention from a boyfriend whom I loved. I feel like eventually I will learn to enjoy hobbies again, perhaps, but which ones should I attempt to like?

      I mean, come on, do you truly have a fun time doing all of your hobbies all the time? Or do you just put in the effort to gain the skill or… I don’t even know anymore.

  2. iris says:

    Start small, dude. Try new things and reflect on whether you actually like them or not. I have a friend who, for the first month she lived in San Fran, decided to not say “no” to anything (well, not anything, but you get my drift). She didn’t tell people she was doing this, but it’s also how she ended up sky-diving and the like. You could probably try something like that for a month, and then reflect/adjust afterwards?

    As far as hobbies go…I like to make things. So I see something I really want to make, but know I don’t yet have the skill for it. So I’d pick a slightly easier project that would help me build the skill to make that first thing. You keep doing this, and eventually you have the skills/confidence to make whatever project.

    If you’re going to watch a lot of TV, there’s crafts/cooking you can do with your hands that build skills while your mind is being numbed by media…and at the end, you actually have something to show for yourself (a meal? amigurami? etc. etc.)

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