He’s still sitting under my house

Honestly, I want to talk to him so badly. But normal him, not crazy him.

Then I wonder if I made him crazy. And no matter how many times my friends insist that he did it to himself, I am swayed by his insults/charm/manipulations and my overthinking, to the point where I am convinced it’s all my fault.

I just want to pick up the phone and call him and not be insulted or manipulated. I just want the charm and the flattery and the attention. I don’t want to have to explain that he’s being an asshole. I just want him to be the super nice guy he was when we met, the one who was so furious when I said no to being his girlfriend, the one who made me feel like the most important person in the world, the one I said “I love you” to, the one I was willing to suffer in a shit job for, the one who did everything in his power to please me…. I miss that guy so badly.

It’s weird because I honestly can’t tell why he changed. I understand that I crushed him when I broke up with him (all the times) but he had already started being an asshole by then (all the times.) He was killing me slowly when I broke up with him (all the times.) And of course it was always painful to let go of my best friend and the only person I’ve truly loved, but I always genuinely thought it was best for us. I always genuinely felt like I was bad for him, that I was wasting his time, that I wasn’t making him happy anymore, that I just couldn’t be enough for him. I always came out of our relationship questioning whether or not I truly have anything to offer anyone. If I ruined a perfectly nice person, I shouldn’t date anyone ever. It’s no wonder I’m single again (all the times.)

Entertainingly, I chide him for being that low self esteem too. It’s is disgusting how much we are similar. We have the same clever, manipulative natures, we’re both childishly spoiled and selfish, we’re both attention whores, we both constantly need attention and entertainment, we both have inflated exterior egos to hide our insecurities, we’re both assholes, yet he is paradoxically the only person I’ve ever thought was genuinely good.

The worst part is that if he stopped being an asshole, I would run back into his arms and never leave again. The worst part is that he would turn back into an asshole in about a week. The worst part is that he’ll never stop being an asshole.

I have created a monster.

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