The Post-Him Life

All three of my previous years in Abu Dhabi have revolved around my boyfriend. I met him two months into my life here and he stuck around, either as boyfriend or stalker ex-boyfriend, for the next three years. He was either constantly by my side or constantly in the shadows behind me. His number has always been the one most frequently blowing up my phone, whether we were together or “apart.” (And we were never very good at being apart.)

This year, he is gone. Neither of us is trying to get back together. My phone has only shown his name once since I’ve been back, and that was because of that chlamydia business. I haven’t even run into him in public, which is an interesting change from seeing him constantly lurking around. (Actually that’s a lie, I did see him once. But he was off in the distance, going around a corner away from me, and he didn’t even notice I was there.) He has a steady girlfriend, so even if I wanted him back, I couldn’t do my usual game of just calling him at 4am when I am wasted and at the height of loneliness. It is firmly finished.

I’m still not used to the idea. And it hurts that he got used to the idea before I did. But such is life, I guess.

Last night, a person whom I know through my ex (I know far too many of my acquaintances through my ex) spent a good hour hitting on me. Like, no holds barred, “I want you,” type of shit. He kept going on about how my ex was an idiot for losing me, blah blah blah. (If it wasn’t obvious, I’m not interested, although I enjoyed the attention greatly and totally encouraged it.) At one point in the conversation I was like, “You know [my ex] would kill you, right?”

But upon sober reflection, I don’t actually agree with that rhetorical question’s allegedly obvious answer. I don’t actually think my ex would give a damn.

On some levels that’s liberating. On other levels, it’s offensive. But on most levels, it just feels strange. I’m actually extremely happy with my life lately. It was very nice that the guy was so excited about me. And he’s not the only one that was basically waiting for the day I was single. Which is flattering. But alas, I’m not interested in anyone who has told me about their overwhelming love thus far. (I’m actually waiting for this one specific guy to declare his love, but he doesn’t drink enough to do that type of thing. He’s the only former acquaintance who’s secretly in love with me that I would actually date though.) Basically, I know that eventually I will move on and get a new boyfriend because that’s just how I am. But for right now it feels like something is missing. I sit in my window sill and look at the cars, wondering if he’s in one of them. And then I have to remind myself that his life doesn’t revolve around me anymore.

It’s very disconcerting having to remind myself that I am alone.

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One Response to The Post-Him Life

  1. pollyheath says:

    Phew, girl. You are reminding me of me with my college boy – I totally assumed he’d always be there until he wasn’t. You perfectly captured “I want it but I really don’t” feeling post-relationship.

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