American politics from abroad

Since it’s the beginning of the school year, the country has been flooded by new teachers. And since my best friend has moved to a different school from me, I’ve been introduced to far too many of these new teacher people. (I loathe new teachers. They’re like naive freshman squealing about everything they see, and I’m like an alcoholic professor bitterly sipping brandy in the corner. I try to avoid them for at least the first three months they’re here.) And for whatever reason, this one new teacher thought it was wise to bring up American politics when we were chatting over a dinner the other night.

Do not get me started on American politics.

But she did. She basically said she loves Hilary Clinton and can’t wait to absentee vote for her. And I was like “She’s going to lose so hard.” And she was like, “Nah.” And then we started discussing who else would run, and how Ron Paul only ran to set up Rand Paul. And then I suggested that the Republicans were going to run a Hispanic candidate and win. And she was like “Nah.” And then I stopped talking before I started talking shit about American politics.

I hate American politics. I refuse to vote, on principle alone. I find it nauseating when Americans think their vote matters, and I find it hilarious when people think the government even counts absentee ballots. Americans, however, are the most delusional citizens of the world. They seem to think that their politics are the most important politics ever. And they close their eyes to anything that actually impacts the way things are.

And sadly, I am still an American at heart. For example, I just can’t bring myself to believe in the Illuminati. Which is like a requirement here. Everyone believes in the Illuminati, and they’re not being ironic. I spent one evening in a stairwell trying to convince my friend that our other friend is not actually in the Illuminati. And she kept insisting that there’s no way he’s not a total card-carrying member. And I literally got up and walked away from her. Because I am an American and the Illuminati does not exist in my world. Every vote counts and the American president is the most important person in the world. Amen.