I cried tonight. Which is a shame because really I should be over this shit.
But I saw my ex last night. And I have so much hatred for him inside of me still. He never apologized for so many terrible things he did, yet he expects me to treat him nicely and be cool when he’s around. I’m supposed to let him play beer pong with me, like we’re all good. I’m supposed to let him sit in the same room as me, like he didn’t hurt me repeatedly. I’m supposed to be polite, like he deserves it. When really, I just want to hurl heavy objects at him until he disappears because he is a bad, bad person.
When I got home, I saw that he’d texted me, passing judgement on my life and acting superior to me because he has a girlfriend. He seems to think that I am “desperate” and “sad” because I dance with my friends in bars and those friends happen to be male. I responded with all the nonchalance of drunkenness.
But this morning, when I had to wake up to go into work on my weekend, I was filled with hatred. So I texted an addendum that was biting and mean. And when I was sitting through boring professional development, he and I threw insults back and forth. Trying to hurt each other some more. Because you can never have too much of that.
It’s really quite ironic when he tries to make me jealous of his relationship. I could have a relationship if I so desired… He actually asked me today why I don’t have a boyfriend yet. I didn’t answer him honestly because he doesn’t deserve any answers from me. But the truth of the matter is that he is the reason I don’t have a boyfriend yet. I am so absolutely petrified that it’s going to be the same story. I am so scared of being hurt again. I’ve got all sorts of walls up around me after all his shit. And every time we communicate, the walls go up a little higher. Because fuck all if relationships aren’t just a pair of people trying to get away with as much selfishness as possible, with a chintzy facade of love to justify it all.
Deep breath. The bitterness will pass. Inshaallah.