Solitude

Nobody is responding to me on my phone right now, so I’m surfacing to ask for attention. Sometimes it’s is shocking how needy I am. No, not shocking. Just…. basic? Yes, basic.

Last night a friend told an awful story about her fiance being a total dick. And I repeatedly insisted that I was going to beat the shit out of him. But of course, being drunk, nice-me, instead of hurting him, I talked to him on the phone in a patient, reassuring way, insisting that we were all going to work together to fix this. Like we were gonna sit down with a paper and pen and get to the root of all evil and solve world peace forever, no problem, amen. The Whatsapp messages I followed the phone conversation with are also hilariously optimistic.

In reality, I am petrified that they’re going to break up. Because they’re the ones who take me in when I am lost and alone and my boyfriend is an asshole and I have to break up with him (the last one) or my boyfriend is perfect and has to move to Turkey anyways (the current one.) They save me from poor decisions and solitude and boredom. But he made her cry. And that’s not acceptable. And he has to face the consequences. But he can’t, really. He can’t fix it. And…. ugh. There is no solution on our paper and world peace cannot ever be achieved and… ugh.

I talked to my boyfriend about it at like 5am, and he was telling me to leave it be and go to sleep, but I was like, “You don’t get it! This is the end of the world!” And he was like, “Ok, yes, but shhh, sleep.” And I was like, “End of the world!”

My boyfriend is dealing visa issues. Again. Story of his Palestinian life. And it’s disrupting our plans to see each other in December. And world peace would be such a nice thing; I wish it wasn’t such a pipe dream. We will see each other either way, but of course it can’t be easy. Of course life has to rear it’s uglier head and put twenty obstacles in our way first. So it goes, so it goes.

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