Last night I was having some drinks with my girls, as we do. And one of the them asked me how I’m doing with this whole boyfriend-moving-to-a-foreign-country-indefinitely thing. And I answered honestly, “It sucks.” And she commented on how I seemed to be holding up well. That my facade was very convincing. That I seemed fine.
But then I wasn’t fine. And the facade had some very visible cracks throughout the night…
It also didn’t help that she asked realistic questions about the future and I gave realistic answers and realistically, we have a shelf life of less than a year unless I lose my high-paying-for-a-teacher job to go work for a third of the salary in a boring-as-fuck territory of contention…. which are not futures I look forward to, whichever way it falls, the breakup or the bleak.
And the rest of my night was bleak as well. I had the chats, I made the jokes, I played the beer pong. But about half-way through the beer pong, I couldn’t even smile.
At another point, some random dude asked to buy me a drink and due to issues with my debit card, I have no access to excess money until tomorrow, so I briefly considered, “Why the hell not?” And the answer is, because I am smart enough to draw lines clearly and accepting drinks from men I’m not interested in is a clear line not to cross. Also, I have plenty of cash on hand! I was just in a totally fatalistic mood. Like, whoa, what if I somehow run out of money and I’m not drunk enough to be happy and that was my one chance to get to that level?
I managed to push off the pushy random dude. But then I was just sitting there, blankly watching my friends converse.
Anyhow. Sometimes the facade has to crumble. And sometimes it’s even ok to break down and cry. If you’re interested in breaking down and crying, and you feel like you’re close, this nice article about how to be there for others might do it for you. It sure did for me.