Difficult times

The worst part about long distance is everything. To the point where I suggested that perhaps we should just give up last week. Because the end is still unsure and there’s still more than a month before I see him and that will be too short, of course, and then what, then what, then what? Keep doing this? Move to him and be poor? All the options are terrible. And the every day is too painful. Every time I see a couple interact in person, in the flesh, in reality, I fall silent and fail to notice anything but my raging jealousy. Skype is a poor substitute and if I have to stare at his frozen face for one more second I’ll throw the damn computer out the window. And he’s started to have an insanely busy schedule, so even that pithy communication isn’t happening with enough regularity…

I know that I’m making it worse for myself. I’m wallowing in all the negative aspects and hiding from the world and feeling sorry for myself. I know how to make it seem easier, and I was doing well for about a month and a half. But these past two weeks I don’t have the energy to distract myself. I’m tired of pretending I’m ok. I’m just so tired…

He thinks it’s as simple as “Do you love me?” and “Long distance makes relationships stronger.” And I wish I could be placated by those platitudes. But I can feel us becoming estranged. Our lives aren’t connected anymore. And while I’m sure we can reconnect when we see each other, is it worth it? Each time we part, and then are apart for more than a month, I start to feel like I don’t know him anymore. Who is this person I’ve decided to sacrifice all other options for? What craziness inspired me to agree to consider moving to a poor, disputed territory for this person I’m so insanely different from? Is it really worth all this pain and struggle? And for what? Love? What is love, anyways….

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4 Responses to Difficult times

  1. Kristine says:

    Yes, it’s awfully painful. Love can be painful. But do you see yourself with him despite the pain? Do you want to prolong the sacrifice? It’s hard to imagine the bright future because you are in pain. I feel for you girlie. ❤ Stay strong.

  2. Edna says:

    I’m sorry you’re struggling through this. I don’t know you nearly well enough to try to comment or advise but thinking of you and sending internet hugs regardless.

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