One eighty

After all the drama with the boyfriend, the solution he decided for us was: “We’re going to pretend the last two weeks didn’t happen. And just go back to how we were before it.”

At the time, the idea infuriated me. We’re just going to ignore all of my very real concerns about this whole long distance mess? We’re just going to pretend everything is beautiful and nothing hurts? We’re going to ignore how nearly everything hurts?

I agreed to the idea though. Because I didn’t want to give up on us, and honestly, I couldn’t think of a better solution. We were in this funk of not happy and resentment and passive aggressive and it wasn’t cool. So sure, denial might work better. And contrary to my expectations, it kind of did. He mentioned something we’d talked about during those two weeks, I joked about how he didn’t know that because it didn’t happen, we laughed, we mimicked our old ways of affection, we went to sleep.

Then I got a job interview at a school 15 minutes from his house. (Literally the day after we decided to ignore our problems, although I didn’t see the email for two days because I just assume there’s nothing useful in that inbox ever. Pessimism is wily like that.) It’s an interview, not a job offer, but that is truly more than I’d hoped for. The biggest stressor in our relationship future is the idea of how I’m going to find a job there, and that interview is a glimmer that it’s not totally impossible. My impression of how to get a job there was to just show up at the schools, which I will have to do for the other schools, and just hope that in person they might give me a chance. (I’m trying very hard not to pin all my hope on that one interview because then it will inevitably be a fuck-up.)

Interestingly, I had emailed that particular school while we were still in the midst of fighting. Because I had gotten to the point where there was nothing left to lose, so I stopped procrastinating and finally sent off the last emails to all the schools I’d bookmarked a month previous.

And then a week passed, and now it’s only three more weeks until I see him.

And the lights at the end of the tunnel! I can see them! (They might just be photos of lights or hallucinations, but they’re better than nothing.)

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