If you can’t make it better, you can laugh at it

The past few months whenever I pass a mirror, I am horrified to see that I still look human. It’s like my insides are rotting away, and yet on the outside, somehow, I’m still completely presentable. There are no visible signs of my tumultuous emotions. It’s insanity.

I also might be insane.

Last night I saw my exboyfriend of yore, the one who loved me so much he stalked me. He grabbed my arm to get my attention and I turned and it was him and I was so completely shocked. I haven’t seen him in literally years. I haven’t spoken to him since before I was married, and he stopped contacting me after I told him I was getting married. He asked how married life was and I told him I was divorced. “Shit happens,” I explained with a shrug, and then I ran away, only to run into my exhusband’s best friend. And I was so happy to see him and he seemed entirely confused by my presence and probably my happiness. But I’d been secretly dating his best friend, so I had only positive associations with him.

Then I went back to my place to find my exhusband waiting angrily to break up with me for the millionth time. He was furious and mean and irrational as always, and took my phone to block himself and his family and his friends, so that I would have zero means of contacting him. (As if. I’ve already brainstormed a thousand ways to contact him today. I have yet to do them though, so please congratulate me in the form of food deliveries because I’m way lazy when it comes to feeding myself when I’m in a pit of depression.)

So that’s that. Last night was just a parade of all the shit choices from my love life. And if I had any brain cells, I would run the fuck away and not look back until it stops being painful. I had a ticket booked for the day after the divorce, but then I got a job. And because I’m too old to beg money from my mother anymore, I have to stay here and work until I replenish the funds that I depleted trying to save my marriage.

So I’m stuck here. And I will probably do it all over again. Because I am the very definition of insanity, as last night tried to slap me in the face and say. But I can’t hear it! Because I’m a crazy person! Now, please excuse me while I call up my exboyfriend for stalking tips.

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4 Responses to If you can’t make it better, you can laugh at it

  1. Georgie says:

    I don’t think you’re crazy – a lot of us just go through a great deal of shit and think we’re the one in the wrong. You’re all fine. You’re not the crazy one. You’ll get through this. You already are.

  2. Neurotic Workaholic says:

    That’s pretty scary that your ex showed up at your apartment like that. If he didn’t want you to contact him or his family all he had to do was block your number and tell the others to do the same; it sounds like he just wanted to fight. But stay safe and make sure that you take appropriate precautions to protect yourself, just in case.

    P.S. I put a non-functional e-mail down because every time I put my regular e-mail on there it links directly to my e-mail account, giving everyone access.

  3. Alex P says:

    You’re not crazy, after all, what is normal?
    The universe is a mental being, and I suspect, a hyper aware teacher, often throwing bizarre coincidences into your path allowing something to be illuminated for you! Whether you “can’t hear it!” or not, at least you’ve acknowledged it, and that’s the first step! (:

  4. Liv says:

    I second Georgie – I don’t think you’re crazy. It doesn’t sound like either of your exes are people who build you up, and when they don’t do that and are with you all the time, you might start seeing yourself negatively. I hope you get through this – it’s okay to feel depressed when everything seems to go wrong. But there are always things that can push you towards a better chapter even when it feels impossible now. You got this!

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