Being alone

I did not contact my ex for his birthday or at any other time as of yet.

During one of my ex’s and my previous breakups (we’ve been through countless), I read an article about how the key to being single is to accept that maybe it might be forever. But like to really accept that. To accept that you’re never going to find your forever person. To accept that you’ll never have children or a family. To accept that nobody will be obligatorily forced to be at your side when you’re on your deathbed.

Et cetera. Whatever aspect of being single is hardest for you, you have to fully accept it.

For me the aspects that’re hardest are definitely the loneliness ones. The idea that nobody wants to spend time with me all the time. The idea that I am not anybody’s number one. The idea that I have to entertain myself and take care of myself always. The idea that nobody will rush to my side if I ever end up in the hospital. The idea that my emergency contact is unclear. And I definitely dread that empty room when I’m on my deathbed. (I know, how morbid.)

And I don’t know how to accept that aspect. Like I can get my head around the fact that my ex doesn’t want to be with me. I can also accept that I have to move on. And I am also confident that I will find someone to be with in the future. But I don’t fully trust that any relationship would ever be forever. So I have to accept that I’ll be alone forever, really, at the core?

I mean, there’s coping mechanisms for it. Build really strong friendships and collect friends like Pokemon. Fill your time with hobbies. Learn to be social in a general way with strangers. Find fame and fortune and have an adoring public. Buy yourself fancy things. Get a pet that’s forced to love you. Or better yet, adopt a child that’s forced to love you. But all of it’s really just trying to fill the hole in your heart, isn’t it? The hole that says “nobody choose you for forever.” And that thought still bums me out, even as I work on those coping mechanisms…

I’m going to read an article about why you should actually look forward to being alone forever now. Byeeee.

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4 Responses to Being alone

  1. Sorry to hear about your break up! It hurts but somehow I’m positively confident that you’ll find another more suitable person back in the States. Enjoy your bachelorette-dom while it last. Time alone to contemplate life doesn’t come by often for certain people. Some people are trap in endless cycles of debt incurred by ungrateful children or spouse.

    I agree with you on building strong friendships. To be in a good relationship, one must first learn to love oneself well. Drink at least 3 liters of water daily, exercise regularly, eat healthy, sleep early, quit smoking and drink less (a glass of wine is fine). One can even meet new friends at yoga, dancing, self-defense classes and etc…

    When you get home, print out all the emergency numbers and stick it to the refrigerator. Remember to install Uber and Waze on your phone. All woman should learn and enjoy living independently for a period of time. Stay calm!

    Best wishes to you!

  2. Edna says:

    I have to say I really enjoy Tinder’s latest marketing spin (born it seems of the realization that if people couple up they’re now down two customers) of all the things you _get_ to do when you’re single. Like instead of the mindset of looking for a person to not be lonely with, or a person to choose you, you GET to have a different adventure every night if you want, or several people choosing you. Answering to no one but yourself, etc etc. If you end up back in Chicago I will happily be a partner in crime / wingwoman.

    • mmarinaa says:

      I haven’t seen this marketing. But I think I’m too old for it. Like I’m too old for adventures. And definitely too old to juggle more than one person haha. But I suppose I do support the theory. Very modern. Well done.

      One day I’ll definitely be in Chicago. Not to live. But to visit. Because I have fam there and familial obligations, etc. Is that where you’re rooted for now?

  3. Brandi Ross says:

    I’m sorry to hear about your breakup i hope you feel better, you can make it through this. I’m from Chicago so and know it’s a pretty decent get away and hope you will enjoy your visit here. stay strong girl.

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