I did not contact my ex for his birthday or at any other time as of yet.
During one of my ex’s and my previous breakups (we’ve been through countless), I read an article about how the key to being single is to accept that maybe it might be forever. But like to really accept that. To accept that you’re never going to find your forever person. To accept that you’ll never have children or a family. To accept that nobody will be obligatorily forced to be at your side when you’re on your deathbed.
Et cetera. Whatever aspect of being single is hardest for you, you have to fully accept it.
For me the aspects that’re hardest are definitely the loneliness ones. The idea that nobody wants to spend time with me all the time. The idea that I am not anybody’s number one. The idea that I have to entertain myself and take care of myself always. The idea that nobody will rush to my side if I ever end up in the hospital. The idea that my emergency contact is unclear. And I definitely dread that empty room when I’m on my deathbed. (I know, how morbid.)
And I don’t know how to accept that aspect. Like I can get my head around the fact that my ex doesn’t want to be with me. I can also accept that I have to move on. And I am also confident that I will find someone to be with in the future. But I don’t fully trust that any relationship would ever be forever. So I have to accept that I’ll be alone forever, really, at the core?
I mean, there’s coping mechanisms for it. Build really strong friendships and collect friends like Pokemon. Fill your time with hobbies. Learn to be social in a general way with strangers. Find fame and fortune and have an adoring public. Buy yourself fancy things. Get a pet that’s forced to love you. Or better yet, adopt a child that’s forced to love you. But all of it’s really just trying to fill the hole in your heart, isn’t it? The hole that says “nobody choose you for forever.” And that thought still bums me out, even as I work on those coping mechanisms…
I’m going to read an article about why you should actually look forward to being alone forever now. Byeeee.