Nobody is responding to me on my phone right now, so I’m surfacing to ask for attention. Sometimes it’s is shocking how needy I am. No, not shocking. Just…. basic? Yes, basic.
Last night a friend told an awful story about her fiance being a total dick. And I repeatedly insisted that I was going to beat the shit out of him. But of course, being drunk, nice-me, instead of hurting him, I talked to him on the phone in a patient, reassuring way, insisting that we were all going to work together to fix this. Like we were gonna sit down with a paper and pen and get to the root of all evil and solve world peace forever, no problem, amen. The Whatsapp messages I followed the phone conversation with are also hilariously optimistic.
In reality, I am petrified that they’re going to break up. Because they’re the ones who take me in when I am lost and alone and my boyfriend is an asshole and I have to break up with him (the last one) or my boyfriend is perfect and has to move to Turkey anyways (the current one.) They save me from poor decisions and solitude and boredom. But he made her cry. And that’s not acceptable. And he has to face the consequences. But he can’t, really. He can’t fix it. And…. ugh. There is no solution on our paper and world peace cannot ever be achieved and… ugh.
I talked to my boyfriend about it at like 5am, and he was telling me to leave it be and go to sleep, but I was like, “You don’t get it! This is the end of the world!” And he was like, “Ok, yes, but shhh, sleep.” And I was like, “End of the world!”
My boyfriend is dealing visa issues. Again. Story of his Palestinian life. And it’s disrupting our plans to see each other in December. And world peace would be such a nice thing; I wish it wasn’t such a pipe dream. We will see each other either way, but of course it can’t be easy. Of course life has to rear it’s uglier head and put twenty obstacles in our way first. So it goes, so it goes.
Today was a stressful day. Work has been full of stress. Not because of the students, who are just students after all, but because of adults. Dealing with adults is infinitely more complicated.
And there have been some delays in buying a car, to the point where my rental is done, but there is no car yet, so tomorrow I have to take the bus… the bus that comes earlier than necessary, gets me home later than necessary, and is filled to the brim with equally-stressed employees.
And then I tried to take a nap, but it failed miserably with all the stress rolling around in my brain.
So I showered, and settled in for some Internet to distract me. On my Tumblr, I follow some religious people who post inspirational religious stuff, and I paused to savor one that read: “There is reward in every tiny struggle you go through. Be patient, have faith and trust in Allah.”
And then the call to prayer went out, saying “Allah akhbar…..”
And I took a deep breath and agreed with the universe that all of this will sort itself out and there is no sense in worrying too long or hard.
My boyfriend left three days ago.
The weirdest part is that life goes on. I have to drive to work. I have to think about buying a car. I have to teach and grade and all that work stuff. I have to feed myself. I have to do laundry. I have to socialize like a human.
The day after, I looked at my desk and there was an empty space where, for a long time, a paper of his had lain. And the desk was so empty, and I just sobbed. And then pushed the other stuff around on the desk so the space wouldn’t be so conspicuous. There are still remnants of him all over though. That towel he used, his toothbrush, the foods I only bought because he liked them.
He’s not out of my life by any means, but he is so very far away. And life goes on without his physical presence.
My boyfriend’s departure has been pushed back due to visa issues. (He got rejected for a renewal here in the UAE, which is unfathomable to me, the golden-ticket-American-passport-holder.) It will be sorted, insha’allah, but it might be too late for him start this term. He still plans to go to Turkey anyways, to help his brother who’s already there find a better apartment.
Last night was our one-year anniversary. Our friend bought us drinks and said “Happy anniversary” and we both responded along the lines, “Oh yeah, that’s today. Oops.” Then our friend went to drive his friend to her car, and we were left alone, facing the mix of a year of bliss and the impending, inevitable end of it all. And my boyfriend was highly upset by life, which he cursed. And he kept telling me I know nothing (and we both added, “Jon Snow” and smiled for a moment.) And he didn’t want to talk about what I didn’t know.
So I made up a story about a boy and his pet rock, Theo, to distract him. It would make a wonderful children’s book. I make up stories for my boyfriend so often that I really should go into the children’s book writing thing. Although I’d probably make them more Arab than the versions I tell my boyfriend. To promote cultural diversity or something. I’d sell it to the publishers more eloquently, of course. Wish me luck in my endeavors.
Welcome to my irrational hopes and dreams for the future….
My boyfriend will move to Turkey as planned, but will somehow magically finish his degree in one year instead of two (or more, Lord help us.) He’ll move back here and work somewhere for a year, while I finish my contract. We’ll get married and be able to live together and I won’t have to miss him ever. And then, with my end-of-contract bonus in-hand, we’ll move to whatever land he irrationally, idealistically decides we should move to, where he will, against all foreigner odds, open a thriving business. I will raise our four children and visit him at the business. We will travel and our children will see exciting places and be beautiful and smart and worldly. And we will have friends in all the corners of the world, and never want for opportunities. And our children will move around the world and marry interesting people and have fantastic children of their own. And we will grow old together, content in what we have accomplished in all our years….
Cue dramatic, wistful sigh.